Figuring it out

An update. A confession. A letter to myself and all like me. An inspiration and hopefully a new way forward.

Hello to you, all random people stumbling upon this blog post!

I like to keep my topics thoughtful and positive. Yet, what life has shown me is that sometimes we need to discuss the things hardest to say out loud. If you are looking for something light-hearted, maybe this is not the blog post to start with. Here are a few recommendations:

Now that we have this out of the way, for the ones that stayed: This one is in sake of the truth behind all happy and perfect social media posts. It is about how real life feels and looks like sometimes.

I’ve always used this blog as a life commentary. A place where I can share and explore the lessons, that the everyday life throws at us. So, previously, I have not hesitated to write about the ugly and not-so-motivating parts of my existence. Recently, however, all of those were hard to even put into words. This is something I believe I should overcome. Better late than never.

We are used to all the motivational content glossing over the problems our internal world is facing. I love me some fashion looks and make-up PR. Yet, things are not always aesthetic and Instagrammable. Sometimes shit hits the fan. Unfortunate, but it happens.

Shit happens and it happens often. So why don’t we just talk about it?

Let me tell you about myself. Not the one with the colourful Instagram pictures. About me today and every day. The one behind the camera and the screen.

I am a genuinely positive person most of the time. I am creative – with my plethora of hobbies and projects. I tend to do something at all times. Chill makes me anxious. Chill means waste of time. And this has been my moto for the past… feels like eternity of years. So many goals, so many challenges to overcome.

Until 2020 hit.

I started the year with great plans (as always), hard work and enormous expectations. I think we all did.

At the end of January, I took my bachelor’s degree. It was such a success. I felt confident – the world was my oyster.

My plan was to move from Denmark (where I was studying) to Scotland and start this interesting new journey through life. I was dreaming about my potential job and personal projects. The word “excited” would be too bland to describe how much I was looking forward to it.

Life was going great.

Just a few months later, I found myself forced to move back to Bulgaria, unemployed, locked down, away from all my friends, and uncertain about the future. No more successes, no more Scotland. Just Corona and anxiety.

Everyone around me wanted answers: What was I planning? When was I leaving? What now?

I did not know. For the first time in my life, I did not have a plan. Did not even know what I wanted really. I started doubting my own dreams.

This situation was so beyond my usual big plans and constant work that I felt like my life is falling apart. In the physical sense – it was all alright. I had enough money to think about it and relax. I was healthy, what else did I want?

Yet, mentally, the picture was different.

Mind vs. Matter

As a surprise, my mental health started deteriorating under the pressure. I found myself in deep shit. Deeper than I’ve ever felt in my life ever before.

Our minds are wonderful machines. They can think our way out of the worst scenarios, but also think out way in even more dangerous ones.

Once my energy was not put into other variety of tasks, my mind started examining all else that was overlooked. All my hidden feelings, disappointments and burdens.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a state in which you suddenly realize how f#cked your mind actually is, but it feels terrifying. Believing you are broken beyond repair. In such a dark place in the ocean of your head, that you feel like you are drowning.

For the last few years, I’ve literally put my body, mind and soul through so much. So many things happened, burdening me further and I kept ignoring it, trying to tip toe around other people’s expectations about me, to be independent and to nurture my relationship with myself. I’ve been through the divorce of my parents, constant stress, internships, working two jobs, travelling every day, struggling with weight and so much more I could not even discuss. Yet, I never gave myself a break. I never let myself go through those feelings fully.

I was so focused on trying to fit in with the idea of who I was supposed to be by everyone around that I kind of forgot about my own expectations. So, in a moment of clarity, it all hit me.

Everything that used to make me happy, creative or motivated had no meaning anymore. The only thing in my mind was anxiety: I could not sleep; I could not eat for days.

In the middle of the deepest depression in my life, the situation became even more complicated. A person in my family fell sick. I was to support somebody, when I couldn’t even support myself emotionally.

It was a month of sadness, desperation and hopelessness.

At the end of June I was a relative at a funeral. It felt like someone pulled the guts out of my body. I am sure that any of you that has been in a similar situation, sadly knows what it feels like.

I was sitting in the church while the priest was singing and was trying to figure out my feelings. I felt the most mental clarity I had felt in a while.

Sadly, I had to attend a funeral to understand that life is too short to worry about opinions, not take care of myself and not doing what I love. To not be where I want to be physically and mentally. I know it sounds cheesy, but it is true.

The one we were all there for – he never did what was expected from him. My grandfather was many things, but an average Joe. He was a great gardener, a sloppy builder, an eternal womanizer with a spirit of a 20-year-old. However, he lived his life by his own rules. It was about time I did the same.

This event, although breaking my heart, woke me up from my bad dream. It scared me.

“No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. No truth, no sincerity, no strength, no kindness can cure that sorrow. All we can do is see it through to the end and learn something from it, but what we learn will be no help in facing the next sorrow that comes to us without warning.”

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Yet, being better is not as easy as having the realization. It is constant work and effort to better yourself and to be better to yourself.

What I wanted to tell you with my mess of a life (that completely doesn’t concern you) was not that my life sucks and I need your attention. No, I wanted to share with you that it’s okay to feel like shit. It’s fine to lose track of your life, to drop all your plans. It’s perfectly normal to sometimes not feel like or believe in yourself. Hell, even losing your sense of self.

We all lose track from time to time and it is not always a motivational podcast or Instagram post bringing us back.

It is the sorrow in our hearts, our disappointment, loneliness and helplessness that sometimes do the trick.

We will figure it out. Somehow, sometime… but we will… and this is perfectly normal.

This is for you reading this, who ever felt the same way – so imperfect, so broken and messed up… so deep, lost in your head. Our burden is only ours. Yet, we can choose what to do with it. How to transform it. How to find answers and give other the answers they needed.

So, don’t hesitate to get the help you need, to talk about what you feel and find a way to translate your feelings into something meaningful. I believe most beautiful things in life are built upon the foundation of emotional wreckage.

This transformation is what makes them even more beautiful – to turn the bad into something good.

Just do you. Simple as that.

Signiture

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