Long time has passed since my last post, but many changes appeared in my personal life and I was unable to keep up with my posting schedule, neither could Andreea. However, this does not mean we stopped writing!
I want to start off our new season with positivity and some realisations I recently had after long years of trying to understand love.
To start off, this article is not about love like the one in the cheesy romantic novels. Unfortunately, many authors failed to realise love is an emotion with many more nuances than fiery red on Valentines Day.
Love is one of the most natural human emotions. We come to this world with hearts full of affection – we give it to everyone around us – parents, relatives and friends. We give and give with open hands, waiting for nothing in return. We love purely and unconditionally.
Kids never consider if the people in their life’s are worthy for their stream of positivity. They don’t think about the way you treat them or the way you take care of them. They don’t notice the nuances in love. The inequality in it.
The more we grow, however, things slowly change. Kids realize that life has a darker side. That there is such thing as being hurt, not only from falling, that insecurities, betrayal and hate exist. Not only… They are constantly in a fight with the light of our souls. Moreover, they realise that the ugly, unnamed evil of loving and not receiving anything in return exists.
How can love, something so clean and natural turn into our biggest enemy? How can love be such a vicious game?
Let’s start from the beginning. What shapes our idea of affection? Of mutuality? The truth is, the first taste of fondness in our life decides and hunts every relationship we create. Not that we cannot break the cycle, but it marks in our heart the root for every emotional uncertainty and doubt we will ever have.
Were your parents warm and welcoming? Were they cold and distant? Did they have high expectations of you? Did they criticise every choice you made?
I am already old and independent enough to hear my mother in every fight I have with my partner and to feel my father in the fury of my anger.
Walking into a relationship (no matter the type) is like walking into a room full of twisted mirrors, highlighting every self-doubt in your heart. Exactly this vulnerability is what lets our guard down but makes us fear love and being hurt.
And we are truly scared, so deeply scared of being hurt, of being lonely, open or simply us. Moreover, it frightens us that our vulnerability and fondness won’t be enough. That we will give our all and not receive the same.
Believe me, Smoothaholics, this is my first and biggest sin.
I am a fiery creature, which wears its heart on the sleeve. I laugh, live and love with deep passion and often see the people I love with rose-tinted glasses. I give it all. Did this ever hurt me? Oh yes, it did. So many times, I cannot count them.
So, through the years I felt this in every friendship, in many loves, even in some of my relatives. I was blaming me, the other person, life itself. For so many years I had a grudge with everything and everyone. Why were relationships so unfair? Why am I like this? Such a weakness…
But is it?
I did believe it is for such a long time. However, recently I had a revelation.
Growing up, my family was not perfect. My father travelled a lot. My parents fought a bunch. But there was one key thing the three of us always did for each other – we gave our all. I was immensely loved and I loved with my full.
Nothing that came out of so much love can ever be a weakness. Nothing that once filled your heard and warmed your soul can be a mistake.
Another important lesson following this one is that love is not only our idea of it. For an emotion so unique and tender, there are no rules. We all love differently and we all express it differently.
Realising this has given my soul so much freedom. I hold no grudge. I am glad, even thankful. Behind every broken friendship, every disappointment there is a spark of love. A spark that fired your soul. And no matter how it ended, for a second there this person gave you all the love that they are capable of giving.
I know my little discoveries won’t change the world, but I hope they helped heal some of your old scars.