Lucid Thoughts of Homelessness

Imagine leaving what you had and moving to another place with the intention to start a new life. In this case, your dream consists of building a beautiful house for yourself in which you can start a family. What happens…

We all are born and raised somewhere. Somewhere close to our hearts, to our roots. In a place where we have captured most of our memories. Good and bad. Home. The one which every place we choose for ourselves further on will ever remind us of.

Imagine your home, the place that raised you into the person you are today. Envision the faces of your friends and family. Remember the conversations you had, the emotions and thoughts you shared. The fear of losing each other.

Look back at the streets you walked. The places you found peace in. Reminiscent of the memories created there. Your room – the days spend in laughter, the lazy afternoons… Even the desperate nights.

The person you are is built upon all those people, places and sensations. They are your foundations. If only one thing was different, you may have not been the one you are today.

But what happens when the home we knew before disappears in time? What if the people we loved spread? What if the places we knew changed? What if we changed?

I moved to a country I did not know, two years ago. My family spread as well. Most of my friends also went to study or live abroad. The whole environment I lived for almost twenty years slowly crashed.

The beginning was harder than anything. After losing my home, I was supposed to make a new one in a place, where I knew almost nobody, I did not even speak the language and I felt lost. Lost in a land of wind and rain.

However, time heals. We are able to build a nest for ourselves everywhere. I created a routine, designed a new home for myself, by the image of what I used to have. I built relationships, which filled my heart. But most importantly, I learned, grew and changed so much.

Imagine leaving what you had and moving to another place with the intention to start a new life. In this case, your dream consists of building a beautiful house for yourself in which you can start a family. What happens when you are building a house?

It is hard work, time consuming. First you put foundations. You want your house to stay strong for generations, don’t you? You layer brick after another, day after day. You put up windows and doors, cover the bricks with concrete, paint the walls, design the rooms… Eventually, one beautiful day months, perhaps years later, you sit at the patio of your own house, the one you built with your bare two hands, with your soulmate next to you. You sight with relief and happiness.

Yet, this is not the end of the story. Your creations need maintenance. A house, a relationship, education, work… Everything needs maintenance, so it keeps its quality. Therefore, you don’t just give up, sell the house, or leave it be and move to another place. You need to stay there, repair what breaks, refresh and remaster.

This is what happened to me. Two years later, I am still here, maintaining what I built. I had no time of looking back. Despite that, one part of me stares in the past – the one sculpted by it. My heart desires to reconnect. To wake up all those memories and relationships, which never had an end. They just live on hiatus. I dream of the friends I do not seek for out of sorrow. Has it ever happened to you? To miss somebody, but not reach for them, because the distance weights at your chest.

So, I was catching myself, time and time again, recalling where, who and with whom I was. What I consisted of. But it is hard to go back, when you already took up a life to build.

Nonetheless, I am now packing my suitcase for a long trip down Memory Lane. However, despite the long awaiting, I am not excited, but filled with doubts and fears. Is it really possible to go back? Do distant promises mean that friendships never die? And if they don’t, can they be repaired? Is there a home, when everything that made it such is gone?

Time heals, restores and rejuvenates. But is there such thing as too much time? Can it heal to forgetting?

Moreover, do you have a home, when you live between the past and present? Between two different places two thousand kilometres apart? Between who you were and who you are? Most importantly, is there a home left to go back to?

Leaving it on a possible note, I am ready to soon find out.

farewell

2 Comments

  1. […] experienced a lot of thoughts about belonging, roots and the concept of home, which was evident in my articles as well. I felt like I need to go back to where I started, as if I had lost the idea of what home […]

  2. […] experienced a lot of thoughts about belonging, roots and the concept of home, which was evident in my articles as well. I felt like I need to go back to where I started, as if I had lost the idea of what home […]

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